I hear battered women’s outrage over what their opposition says about them in divorce court. They take it to heart and integrate the slanderous comments as though they really are the picture painted by the other side.
Best part of it is they usually are not correct in their assumptions and beliefs. Part of my job then becomes helping them awaken to this…and, of course, become enlightened warriors during the warfare and thereafter.
If you are a domestic violence survivor in divorce court and lies are being told about you, remember that your opposition needs to create their case. So what they are doing is really about them, not about you. And what they say is whatever they can grab to establish their favor, their leveraging, their positioning in your case.
Knowing It from the Inside Out
I remember what it was like in my own ordeal, over a decade ago, with domestic abuse and family court. I lived under the threat of custody litigation with a man who was not, by law, an eligible candidate for custody-due to court documented domestic violence and child abuse.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t taunt me with the prospect of it. And all along, I didn’t even know what his grounds were going to be. I only knew he had promised to destroy me in the divorce and he knew my kids were the most important part of my life.
Unveiling the Truth in My Own Case
After four years and $1,600,000 metered legal fees, there was no custody trial. And I remained curious as to what his grounds for custody were going to be, had we gotten that far.
Just before I left, I asked counsel, what were his grounds for fighting me for custody. He said, your husband says, “You meditate.” Funny thing is that this meditation practice was the foundation for what had become the “feather in his cap” and now served as the “sword in my back.”
I had cultivated a self-regulation practice that fueled a very successful biofeedback practice in Chicago, even while working part-time. And I had served as the president of the IL Biofeedback Society and chair of its ethics committee during the course of my marriage.
Now these accomplishments were what my then husband put in his pipe to blow his horn about as though they were his accomplishments. But as we came to cross the line of divorce, suddenly these became the cause to push me out of my kid’s lives.
Don’t look for the rationality; it doesn’t exist here. You must understand what is said about you in court is NOT about you; rather it’s about your opposition’s strategy to carry out their agenda. So don’t personalize it. It’s not about you!